How to Handle the Question Every Divorced Parent Dreads: 'Why Can't You and Daddy Live Together?'
The question hit Rachel like a punch to the gut.
Seven-year-old Sophie was sitting at the kitchen table, coloring, when she looked up with those big, innocent eyes and asked: "Mommy, why can't you and Daddy just live together again? I know you still love each other."
Every divorced parent has been there. That moment when your child's innocent question breaks your heart and leaves you scrambling for words that won't cause more hurt.
Rachel's first instinct was to explain everything: How Daddy had been working too much. How they fought all the time. How they were better apart than together.
But something stopped her.
She remembered what I'd told her in our coaching session: "Your child isn't asking for the adult reasons. They're asking for reassurance that they're still loved and safe."
Here's what Rachel said instead:
"Sweetheart, sometimes even when people love each other, they're better at being happy when they live in different houses. What never changes is how much Daddy and I both love you. That will never, ever change."
Sophie's response melted her heart: "Oh, okay. Can I have a snack?"
The Magic of Age-Appropriate Truth:
What kids really need to know:
Both parents love them completely
The divorce wasn't their fault
They're safe and cared for
Some things are adult decisions they don't need to worry about
What kids don't need to know:
Details about why the marriage ended
Financial struggles
Dating situations
Adult emotions and conflicts
Scripts for the Hard Questions:
"Why did you and Dad get divorced?" "Sometimes when people get married, they grow in different directions. We realized we'd be happier apart, but we'll always be happy to be your parents together."
"Is it my fault?" "Oh sweetie, no. This has nothing to do with you. Sometimes adults make decisions about their own lives, and divorce is one of those adult decisions. You are perfect just as you are."
"Will you get back together?" "No, honey, we won't. But what will never change is how much we both love you and want you to be happy."
"Do you still love Daddy?" "I love that Daddy is your dad, and I'm grateful he gave me you. We're not married anymore, but we both love you so very much."
The Three Rules for These Conversations:
Keep it simple: Give information they can understand at their age
Focus on them: Reassure them about their security and love
Stay neutral: Don't make the other parent the villain
What Happened Next for Rachel:
Sophie asked follow-up questions over the next few weeks, but they got easier to answer. More importantly, Sophie seemed more settled and secure. She stopped asking when they'd live together and started enjoying her time at both houses.
The Beautiful Truth:
Kids are incredibly resilient when they feel safe and loved. They don't need their parents to be married to be happy. They need their parents to handle the divorce with grace and put their children's emotional needs first.
Rachel's Text to Me Six Months Later:
"Sophie told me yesterday that she likes having two bedrooms because she gets to decorate them differently. She's not asking about us getting back together anymore. She seems... peaceful."
Struggling with how to talk to your children about divorce and co-parenting? Our parent coaching includes guidance on age-appropriate communication that helps your children feel secure and loved. Let's help you find the right words for these important conversations.
